We’re wired to speak. But we’re built to listen.
You’ve probably heard the old saying: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” It’s an idea so simple it sounds almost quaint, but in the world of stakeholder engagement, it’s revolutionary.
There’s a reason we have two ears and one mouth, and it’s not just a witty saying. It’s a guiding principle for how to lead, influence, and earn trust in a world full of noise.
In communications and engaagement, there’s often pressure to have the answers, to make the case, to win the room. But the truth is, you can’t move people if you don’t first understand them. Before you communicate, you need to connect. And connection starts, not with a perfectly crafted message, but with intentional, active listening. Let me say it clearly: listening isn’t a soft skill. It’s a strategic advantage.
The truth is, communication isn’t about talking. It’s about understanding. And yet, so many professionals jump straight to strategy, to messaging, to managing optics, before they’ve even heard the people they’re supposed to be engaging.
Why? Because talking feels like action. Listening feels like stillness. But here’s the irony: true leadership, true influence, begins not when we speak, but when we listen. When we tune into the needs, fears, and motivations of our stakeholders, we don’t just create buy-in; we build trust. And trust is the foundation of every sustainable relationship, whether in business, politics, community, or culture.
That’s the heart of this article. This is not a textbook. It’s a field approach, written by someone who’s been in the trenches. Who’s navigated the messy, emotional, unpredictable terrain of stakeholder dynamics. This isn’t a model to memorise. It gives you something much more powerful: a mindset to embody.
Why listening matters more than ever. We live in a world where people are talked at, marketed to, and overloaded with information. Stakeholders, whether they’re residents, regulators, partners or colleagues, are more sceptical and more empowered than ever. They’re not waiting to be convinced; they’re waiting to be heard.
The professionals who succeed in this space, who actually build trust and move projects forward, are the ones who lead with listening. Because when people feel heard, they lower their defences. They begin to see you not as a threat, but as an ally. And that’s when real influence begins.
Why real-world experience matters. In the world of stakeholder engagement, theory may give you clarity but in reality, practice gives us truth. Because no matter how elegant a stakeholder assessment matrix might look on paper, it doesn’t prepare you for the moment when a room full of angry residents demand answers. Or when a government policy shifts overnight. Or when people sabotage your well thought out plans because they don’t feel heard.
What lived experience offers is someone who has stood in that room, weathered that change, and rebuilt trust, not just with frameworks, but with presence, empathy, adaptability, and grit. Take John Doerr’s ‘Measure What Matters’. It resonates not just because it introduced OKRs, but because Doerr lived them, adapted them, and struggled with them in the chaos of real organisations. This article follows that same spirit. It’s about what works when things get real.
Engagement can be messy, and that’s okay. Stakeholder engagement lives at the intersection of both order and chaos, but make no mistake, the terrain is unpredictable. You cant manage stakeholders because people don’t follow models. They follow emotion. Identity. History. Fear. Hope. So we have to be ready to pivot.
You don’t have to pretend every situation is the same. You need to know how to read a room, adapt your strategy, and above all, stay grounded in empathy. Like Jody Hoffer Gittell’s work in healthcare, it respects complexity and provides tools for navigating it with clarity and courage.
This isn’t always about finding the right answer. It’s about learning how to ask the right questions and having the humility to listen long enough to understand the answers you get.
Credibility comes from the doing. You can’t fake experience. You can’t shortcut trust. And you definitely can’t bluff your way through a public consultation with a slideshow and a smile. People know when you’re being real, and when you’re not. Think Sheryl Sandberg in ‘Lean In’, or Brené Brown in ‘Dare to Lead.’ Their authority doesn’t come from theory; it comes from living the work. The same is true here. And when you’re trying to engage stakeholders, especially in high-stakes environments, credibility is everything. Your ability to influence doesn’t start with expertise. It starts with trust. And trust is built, not declared.
Focus on what works. At the end of the day, theory doesn’t move the needle. Results do and when you’re in the thick of it, facing tight deadlines, tough stakeholders, and shifting priorities, theories won’t get you through. Practical strategies will.
But, your stragtegy isn’t solely about what engagement should look like. It’s about what actually delivers results when the pressure is on. The following approaches shared below come from real-world experience, techniques that have been tested, refined, and proven effective in the field. They help you:
- Diffuse tension by listening first and responding with empathy, not defensiveness.
- Break down complexity so people understand, not just hear.
- Navigate competing interests and still stay true to your purpose.
- Be present when it counts, especially in high-stakes, high-emotion moments.
Like Daniel Goleman’s ‘Emotional Intelligence’, it brings together insight and action. You don’t just understand the importance of emotional awareness, you learn how to apply it, especially when the stakes are high. Because in stakeholder engagement, success isn’t measured by how much you know, it’s measured by the outcomes you help make possible.
Listening approaches that unlock five critical outcomes:
1. Clarity before action. You can’t solve a problem you don’t understand. Listening helps uncover root concerns, not just surface objections. It clarifies what’s really going on beneath the tension.
Pro Tip: Start engagement sessions with open, non-leading questions like, “What’s on your mind today?” or “What do you hope we understand before we move forward?”. This shifts the tone from presentation to partnership.
2. Trust in unpredictable situations. Real stakeholder engagement is rarely neat. Policies shift. Communities resist. Emotions run high. In these moments, your ability to sit in discomfort and genuinely listen becomes your greatest asset. When things go sideways, resist the urge to defend. Repeat back what you hear: “It sounds like the biggest concern is X, Y and Z, is that right?” Validate emotion before offering information.
3. Adaptability to reality. Academic models are great, until real life kicks in. A practitioner knows: no two engagements are the same. Listening helps you adjust your approach in real time.
Real-world example: A project team anticipated support from local businesses. But after listening to them, they learned that disruption was affecting customer footfall. The plan was adjusted to provide access signage and targeted publicity. Result? Support regained.
4. Deeper stakeholder insight. Stakeholders aren’t just data points. They’re people with histories, values, pressures. When you take time to understand their ‘why’, your engagement becomes human, not transactional.
Practical listening technique: Use a listening log to track recurring concerns, language patterns, and emotional tones. Over time, this reveals what matters most and helps tailor communication that resonates rather than just informs.
5. Stronger, lasting relationships. Listening creates the conditions for ongoing dialogue, not just one-off consultations. It builds relationships that outlast projects and transcend roles.
Trust Tip: Follow up not just with answers, but with evidence that you heard them. Use phrases like, “based on what you told us last month…” in your next communication.
The real work of listening. So let’s come back to where we started: two ears, one mouth. Stakeholder engagement isn’t about convincing people. It’s about connecting with them. And connection begins with listening, not to respond, but to understand. To see the world through their eyes. To meet people where they are, not where your strategy says they should be.
Overcoming the real challenges: what do you do when…
A stakeholder is hostile. Don’t fight the fire with more words. Let silence do some of the work. Let them talk. Stay calm. Ask, “What would a good outcome look like for you?”. This reorients the conversation toward solutions.
You’re under pressure to ‘sell the story’ fast. Stakeholders can smell a sales pitch. Take a breath. Start with, “Before I go into detail, can I ask what’s important to you about this issue?” This flips the dynamic and shows respect.
You uncover unexpected resistance late in the process. Don’t double down. Pause. Say: “It’s clear we’ve missed something that’s important to you. Help us understand what matters here so we can get it right.” This invites collaboration without admitting failure.
The deeper ‘why’ of listening. People don’t want perfect plans. They want to feel seen. The moment a stakeholder feels like just another checkbox, you’ve lost them. But when they feel heard, they start to trust, and when they trust, they open up. They lean in. They co-create. That’s where true engagement begins.It’s not about being the smartest in the room. It’s about making everyone else feel smart, valued, and included.
Final thought: listening is leadership
At the end of the day, engagement isn’t solely about tactics, it’s about leadership too. And leadership isn’t about authority. It’s about service. Listening is service. It says, “I care enough to hear you before I try to lead you.”
So yes, we may have two ears and one mouth. But more importantly, we have a choice: we can rush to speak. Or we can choose to listen. To really listen. And in doing so, we don’t just change conversations. We change outcomes. We change relationships. We change lives. Because when we learn to communicate like human beings, not just as professionals, we don’t just build better stakeholder relationships. We build better futures. And that, my friends, is what leadership is really about.
Start with listening. That’s how trust begins. Lead with empathy. That’s when trust is built and the future becomes a reality.
Rapport North 